Why Use Torture When We Have Teenagers?
It is said that inside the CIA, water boarding is cited as the technique that got Khalid Sheik Mohammad, the prime plotter of the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks, to begin to talk and provide information. I can always tell an organization run by too many men, or not enough people who have children.
Because my friends, why water board when you can just have Mr. Kebab, excuse me, Mr. Khalid spend time with a bunch of children, where he is the only one who can see to their needs 24/7? I know many of you survive child extortion torture on a daily basis, but at least the lovely little devils eventually fall asleep and we have our reprieve from:
“Mom?”
“MOM!”
“Mom?”
“Mom, can I…?”
“Mom!?”
“Mom, do you know where (insert everything they never put away here) is…?”
“M O M?”
“Mom…”
“Uh, Mom..?”
“M o m.”
“mom.”
“Mom.”
“Mom, do you have (insert money amounts you will not part with here)?”
“Mom?”
“Mom, I’m hungry.”
“Mom, can we (insert anything you don’t want them doing here)?”
“Mom?”
“Mom.”
“Mom, do you (insert any question you don’t want to answer here)?”
“Mom?”
“Mom…”
“Mom, why can’t I (picture the sound of a shrieking owl, because this is the tone children use when they are determined to have something where you would rather ship them to a boarding school in France than give).”
“Mom, but why?”
“Mom.”
“Mom!”
“Mom.”
“Mom, my friends are (anything following this beginning is never good)”
“Mom.”
“MOM?”
“Mooooommmm….”
“Mom.”
“Mom, I need (whatever-it-is-you-already-bought-them-paid-too-much-for-and-now-they-can’t-find-and-want-you to-buy-it-again-goes-here).”
“Mom?”
“Mom…”
“Mom.”
“mom?”
“Mom!!”
“MOM!!!!”
“M o m.”
“Mom.”
(Sigh) “Mom.”
And this is just the first 15 minutes of our day.
But,
Maybe Mr. Khalid had a bunch of kids and was numb to constant battering of questions 24/7, and found a CIA interrogation a piece of cake by comparison. Maybe the CIA had no choice. I mean, my God, if I can survive the teenage years and the constant battering of “I wannas”, I think could survive swimming the English channel, when I hate cold water, hate water up my nose, fear water where I can’t see the bottom and dislike how I look in a bathing suit… without ever giving away a government secret.
“Mom?”
“MOM!”
Oh, hears a shock. Just now while I’m peacefully writing, Brian is screaming my name, well not my name, my title (MOM) from the front yard, of course we all know Brian wants me to get up from here rather than him having to come in the house and find me.
Hmmm … how long can I sit here and endure the sound of my name being screamed from the front yard?
“MOM??”
Damn, I need to get up … I actually like my neighbors.
Until next time-
C
http://www.aweekinthelifeofaredhead.com
PS. I know there are many of you great Dads out there who also experience this on a daily basis (times 10) feel free to insert “DAD!” where ever you see the word Mom. Because you are probably hearing “Dad?” while reading this and a long list of “Honey dos” from your wife, girlfriend, aging mother etc.
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Look on the bright side; he could have been twins…
Twin teenage girls… (Oh Dear God no! Hear the sound of Catherine getting up from the computer and running screaming from the room).
I have three of those.
I think you may be on to something!!!…