Ever reach for something above you in the closet, only to have the entire top shelf attempt to come down upon your head? You yell for anyone in your family, “Help! Anyone – I need help!” and it appears your family has suddenly disappeared through a black hole, even though you know one member is in front of the TV, one is in the kitchen and another is listening to music in a bedroom. Why won’t they rush to your aide in your time of desperation?
Easy, you don’t have a phone pinned to your ear.
Ever ask a family member for help moving a piece of furniture and suddenly they have to take a 30 minute respite in the bathroom? What, are they watching it? Or fix an amazing dinner only to yell five times to get anyone to acknowledge that you still do eat dinner around that thing called, “the dining room table”.
My friends, it’s not you; it’s that you don’t have some sort of phone placed at your ear.
Ever want your children to gather around you and listen intently to your great story about what happened that day, and they seem to want to run from you as if you are about to puke peas? Or how about wanting to discuss something that is troubling you with your husband, and watch him suddenly need to mow the lawn with his Ipod turned to ‘so-loud-I-can’t-hear-the-house-burn-down-let-alone-you’ volume in the dark?
Again, it is really quite simple. You don’t have a phone pressed to your ear.
I submit for your review what happens when you are alone in any part of the house, so completely ignored that you think your family has left for China. Your phone rings. It’s for you. It’s your best [insert friend, Mom, boss, Aunt, work mate, phone-sex buddy here] dying to tell you some news you have been waiting to hear. You find a comfortable place, sit down, lay down (whatever). You are about to have a conversation.
“Hi [insert you]”
“How are you?”
“I’m great, what’s up?”
“I’ve got some news. You know that contagious disease I thought I had…well it’s…”
Suddenly, three to a hundred people rush the room (everyone you have been trying to speak with over the past 50 years) and stand glued to you, tugging at you, “Mom do you know where..”, “Honey have you seen…”, “I’m hungry…”, “Can you drive me to…?”, “Do you remember where…?”
The dog even barks at you.
“Uh, hang on a sec [inset person, people, tribe here] is asking me something.”
The I-am-ON-THE-PHONE eyeball stare does no good, as they just think you are doing some anti-wrinkle eye muscle exercise and ignore you, all the while staring, waiting for an answer.
You see, you have placed a phone to your ear.
Don’t you understand that is the universal language to those living with and around you to bug you immediately? It doesn’t matter if they haven’t talked to you for a week; you pick up a phone and suddenly you’re more popular than Warren Buffett handing out hundred dollar bills in Times Square.
“How long are you going to be on the phone?” one of them asks in that irritating-you-are-infringing-on-my-life tone. It doesn’t matter if the last time you talked on the phone was after the birth of your first born. How dare you even think of focusing on a conversation with another human over the telephone. What are you thinking?
But you know me, the redhead, I have a way for you to get even.
Wait until all of them are in the middle of something they love doing. Your husband might be in the middle of that 30 minute bathroom visit, your kids are about to move up a level on their favorite video game or hear who has just won Idol …
Place a phone to your ear and yell:
“OH MY GAWD YOU ARE KIDDING ME! TELL ME MORE! I AM GOING TO SIT DOWN HERE WITH MY [insert wine, martini, cup of tea, coffee] AND TAKE THIS ALL IN!” Then laugh a great laugh.
I give them a second and they will be at your side; husband holding a roll of toilet paper, kids griping a controller or TV remote – all talking at you at the same time, demanding your attention. You smile; put down the phone.
How wonderful, your family is gathered around and you didn’t even have to use a bullhorn.
It’s a miracle.
It’s a phone.
Until next time-
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