Well meaning friends are pushing me to date again. Let’s talk about where I have been – shall we?
How about my dating mistakes – the ones I will never make again?
I did try Match.com some years back, based on a suggestion from a friend. Mental note to self –
Never take dating advise from friends who have been married over 5 years. Technology changes too quickly for them and they believe the advertising they see on TV.
Match.com is really more “IamlookingforsexandnothingseriousandImightbereallysuperwierd.com”
I am a tech brain, so I believe in giving the Internet a chance at many things. But match sites?
My friends are relentless so I agree to at least explore match.com, fill out the profile and go shopping for men. The idea of ordering up a man like a pair of leather boots is appealing at first glance, but when we catalog order a wardrobe, does it ever really fit us the way it looks in the photo?
I forget how I got my match with Dan exactly, but he was from my town. How lucky for me (eye roll) to actually date someone who isn’t in another state. He is in my world – in my town and not married (gulp). We write back in forth within the safety of match.com and eventually take it outside match.com to yahoo chat. We then chat further in yahoo instant message before we meet. We eventually take it to the phone and seem to click well enough.
Hey this techo date thing might actually work.
He is a government worker from southern California who transferred up here for a special project and is impressed that I am self-employed. Yeh, a single mother who is self employed – it means I know how to starve to death on a level he is not capable of understanding.
His son is in college and I have a grade school-er. One would think this could be a connection point for us – uh no. Eventually we agree to meet in this local Irish restaurant. He likes me instantly and I think he is cute enough. It is fun and we have a good time.
We go home separately, and he calls when he says he will call. This is a good thing (pay attention guys – women like this). I am thinking this match. com thing might work. Whew – computers have come of age. Ta Da!
We have a second date and he invites me to his place. We are having fun; he can cook and has nice furniture. My mind is distracted by my upcoming road trip for work. I have to go back to Chicago.
However, I keep telling myself to stay in the game with Dan. Focus Catherine, focus. Dan shows me a photograph of his college son. “He is NO way in hell meeting you,” he says.
“Excuse me?” I respond, snapping myself back to reality from a daydream of someone I was once crazy about. “He will want to ‘do’ you – he has a thing for redheads, and I am not having that.”
Match dot com man just got creepy.
There it was – BOOM – the “OH MY GAWWD this guy is a freak” moment.
“I am old enough to be his mother – I doubt he’d be interested,” I reply back waiting for him to laugh and tell me he is joking.
“Ohhh noooo, he’d want you…just like I do…and I am not competing with my son,” he continues. He is serious. Did space aliens suddenly transport me to Mars? I mean, what the fuc*? OK, so now I am officially freaked out and want to go home.
He wants to kiss. Does the thought of his son doing me turn him on?
Or does he think it turns me on?
Write this down men: freaking a woman out does not turn women on – even if she is a redhead.
I begin doing the avoidance dance – you sistas know – the one where you are moving your ass towards the nearest exit while they are distracted by a kiss. He senses he is losing me and runs his hand over my face like he is petting a cat backwards.
Yes, I did type that.
Now I am really having a ‘what the fuc*’ moment.
He tells me to close my eyes. I am backing up closing my eyes to appease him and get nearer to the door.
The big redhead scene is coming and I am just warming up. He runs his hand over my face yet again and starts this “You are relaxed” voodoo-hypnosis weird crap.
Is 911 on speed dial on my cell phone?
I slightly open an eye as he does it again and I realize that this idiot thinks he can hypnotize women. Does he not see that I am a redhead? Give me a fuc*ing break here.
Oh wait – he’s Match dot com man.
So now my feisty side is setting in. I play along. I am a great actress when I am pissed off. I begin to act like I am being hypnotized as I am backing my ass to the door. He is doing that whole, “You are relaxed – you are going deeper” bullshit and I am dying laughing inside as I fake getting sleepy.
With great relief, my hand is behind me on the doorknob. He says, “Now do what you really want to do to me”. I open my eyes, shove him, open the door and run to my truck yelling ” I am doing what I want to be doing …I am doing what I want to be doing!”
I hop in my truck start it, trying to hurry as fast as I can. He is running out his door as I drive off acting like my eyes are completely shut. He puts his hands on his head as I drive by in my truck like I was in a trance.
Redheads can pretend to drive with their eyes closed.
He is now calling my cell phone freaking that he thinks he has sent me driving off in a trance. I mean for *&^%$#%$^ sake does he really think he is that good? What an ego or good drugs or both. I get home, laughing my ass off and get on my pjs. I crawl in bed and after the 7th call, answer my phone. “Catherine, wake up” he says. I bury my face in my pillow to cover my hysterical laughs.
“Dan, go away,” I whisper, and hang up.
I canceled my match.com account the next day. I pack my bags for Chicago.
I decided then and there to be done with dating. All the good ones married right when they were in college. Do you think I should listen to my friends this time?
I don’t think so either.
Until next time –
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