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When Did Van Halen Become Muzak?

Oprah is always talking about “Aha!” moments, which is her way of saying that the light bulb in her head clicked on and suddenly everything changed.  Redheads don’t have those kind of “Aha” moments.  My uncle, mom, [insert older relative here] might not want to read this post, or maybe just pretend I am someone else if brave enough to continue reading.

Redhead “Aha’s” are different.  They don’t lead us to some great invention that will change the world.  No, we notice things like:

When did my acid rock songs of the late 70’s become elevator music?

Now, I do get that ever since I became the expert on children nose snot that I may have lost my sexy, but when exactly did Van Halen become elevator music?  How did I miss that?  Talk about Boys Gone Mild.

It is said that 90 million people listen to Muzak daily … are there really that many people stuck in elevators or dentist chairs on any given day?  Because I cannot imagine anyone wanting to sit and listen to an organ-flute rendition of Stairway to Heaven BY CHOICE while driving in commute traffic or while doing the nasty.

There I was, standing in an elevator, with my son making faces at his reflection in the interior brass elevator walls, when my brain happened to zero in on the fact that “Runnin’ With The Devil” by Van Halen Muzak is playing via violin and some other instruments I can’t name because they aren’t in a rock band.

I pause, remembering the last time I played the rock version of this song. I was on sitting atop of [insert man my dad would kill here].  We were having great sex fun. I get momentarily lost in this thought, until I glance over at my son, who is looking up his nose in his reflection.

I look down to see if I even still have a vagina, which I am quite sure ran away from home some time ago.

“Mom?  look up my nose!”

“I don’t want to Brian.”

“Why not?”

The elevator doors open and we walk out onto a lobby filled with happy, gorgeous 20-something people.  As I pass them all by smiling brightly, I am thinking, “Just you wait.  Someday you all will have a bunch of kids, get no sleep, worry, stretch a dollar from California to New York, do things you said you’d never do, begin to talk like your parents, say no all the time, snore when you take naps…  and you too will find Nickleback has become Muzak as you’ve lost your sexy.”

Just you wait.

Until next time-

C

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About Catherine, the redhead mom blogger

Catherine’s hopes to make this blog a safe place for thyroid sufferers to come laugh and share the funnier side of thyroid disease while raising awareness around the world. She is a published author, known for her humorous speeches on finding your dream life and blogging for fun and profit. Catherine writes about her dream life at, 8 Women Dream and several online marketing publications. She would also like to be invited to speak at TED about her observations. Catherine posts on M/W/F. Join me on Google+ rapieress@aol.com

2 Responses to When Did Van Halen Become Muzak?

  1. funDiva Christy August 3, 2007 at 10:22 am #

    Muzak is actually more evil than that.

    Ok now this is all from memory from Coercion by Douglas Rushkoff http://www.rushkoff.com/coercion.html“>http://www.rushkoff.com/coercion.html“>http://www.rushkoff.com/coercion.html
    which I read a couple months ago, so I could be making the whole thing up.

    It’s designed to remind you of those happy times, while having a brain zone effect so that you’ll buy more of whatever their selling. So now if I hear muzak that appeals to me – New Wave; Cure Depeche Mode INXS it’s actually a trigger in my brain to BEWARE of where I am and whats for sale in front of me!

    Not quite what they were going for. Which also explains why I keep my headphones on at WalMart.

    It gets worse too.
    http://voice.muzak.com/solutions/instore/default.aspx“>http://voice.muzak.com/solutions/instore/default.aspx“>http://voice.muzak.com/solutions/instore/default.aspx

    :)
    fdc

  2. TRACE August 3, 2007 at 1:02 pm #

    I think this is my very favorite post you have ever done. OMG.. can I relate!!!! (only mine wasn’t vanhalen, it was maggie may-rod stewart) Have a great weekend!!

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