A TEENAGE BOY'S MIND ... A PARENTS JOURNEY THROUGH DISCOVERY
Posted by Catherine the redhead blogger at 1/11/2008 4:21 PM and is filed under uncategorized 
Legal discovery is defined as "the act or process of finding or learning something that was previously unknown." Attorneys are very familiar with the most common types of discovery, which are interrogatories and depositions. Parents of pre-teens and teenagers are also very familiar with the act of discovery. Ever try to get a 13 year old boy to open up and volunteer information about school? It can unintentionally lead a parent down the road of discovery, sounding somewhat like a script right out of the Law and Order TV courtroom, with the parent scratching their head, wondering how they got there.
I, as usual, submit for your review a recent accidental entry into the land of discovery with my son, Brian. It started with a simple conversation in the car, with his father driving, and me happily looking out the car window. We were on our way home from a basketball game. Let the confusion of teenage discovery begin:
"That was fun."
"What... winning the game?"
"Yeah."
"I like these shorts."
Silence in the car for about 5 minutes.
"Are you still playing basketball in school?"
Roll of eyes followed by, "No. That ended ages ago."
"Oh, what are you doing now?"
"I don't .... well... I can't ... I didn't ... well Friday."
Here comes the Discovery process...
"Friday what?"
"I didn't."
"Didn't what?"
"Well there weren't any shorts."
"No shorts?"
Here comes the sigh of a teenage child that is feeling misunderstood and interrogated.
"SIGH."
"Well my lock is gone."
"Lock? What lock?"
"MY lock!"
"Your school locker lock or your PE locker lock?"
"What would I be doing with my shorts in my school locker mom?"
I glance at Brian's dad like he can somehow interpret boy language for me. He looks back at me with that I am completely lost here look. It feels like we are married all over again.
"Mom?"
"Yes?"
"So I can't ok?"
"Can't what?"
"Dress down for PE!"
"What? You aren't dressing for PE? Don't you get your grade lowered for that? What? Why aren't you dressing for PE!?"
I am now beginning to sound like the bad cop in the good cop-bad cop scenario we always see on TV.
Boy sigh.
"SIGH"
"Mom, you aren't listening."
His dad steps in as the interpretor...
"Son, why aren't you dressing for PE?"
"My lock."
"What about your lock?"
"It's gone."
"Where is your lock?"
"Gone!"
Now is when I begin sounding like a loss prevention litigator...
"Gone how?"
"SIGH. It happened a while ago."
"How?"
"I don't know, it just wasn't there one day."
Climbing Mount Everest while carrying a bear would be easier than obtaining clear communication from a teenage boy.
"What? When?"
"A month or so."
"So, someone stole it?"
"Probably, so I have been just throwing my gym clothes in and shutting it."
His dad catches on first. I hate it when that happens.
"Son, are you saying your gym shorts are gone?"
"Other kids do it too."
"Do what?"
I am so lost here.... I need a hair pretty from my purse... to hold my brains from exploding.
"Put their clothes in lockers without locks."
"But someone took your shorts?"
(Gee his dad is good at this).
"Yes! Haven't you guys been listening?"
"So you are saying that you don't have gym shorts, and you haven't been dressing-down for PE?"
"Just on Monday... but I can't tomorrow, again."
"Well, we can give you some shorts from home."
"They aren't in the school colors, and what are we going to do for a shirt?"
"You lost your shirt too?"
"I didn't lose anything, someone took them."
OMG I think I'm at the point of discovery!
"So you are saying that your lock was stolen a few weeks back, and you have been just throwing your PE clothes in your PE locker without a lock, and over Christmas vacation your gym clothes disappeared."
"Yes!'
He sounds annoyed like his parents are completely clueless. I feel like I have just won the bonus round in Cash Cab.
I go back to being the loss prevention litigator...
"Didn't we have to buy those things from the school?" I give his dad the I could have bought a really nice pair of shoes for the price of those now-lost items face.
"I can't get any now. I have to go to lost and found and get some from there."
"Did you happen to look for your PE clothes there?"
Roll of eyes, "Yes. If I found them I would have dressed-down."
I am a solver... solving is my middle name:
"OK, so it sounds like you need a new lock for your gym locker, and your dad needs to go to school to see about buying you some gym clothes tomorrow?"
I always nominate my ex-husband for all the Brian-related problems I don't want to handle. It's payback for the pain of childbirth.
"You can't buy any."
"Brian, I think your dad will be able to get you some gym clothes. I'm sure this has happened to other kids."
"No. I don't think so."
Why are teenagers always so dramatic?
"You are saying that you are the only one in the history of that school to either lose their PE clothes, or have them stolen?"
"Yeah."
"Why would someone want to steal gym clothes ... EWWWW ... and don't they say your name boldly on the front of both the shorts and the shirt?"
"Yeah, I saw my shorts on this kid in my gym class."
"What?"
"A kid in my class had my shorts on Monday."
His dad and I say at the same time:
"Did you tell him to take them off, or you would?"
Dear God please tell me that my ex and I aren't now mind-melting because of raising Brian. I need another hair pretty. This is one of those parenting moments where we are forced to face the fact that our child is nothing like us, which is probably a good thing ...
"No mom, I just asked him if he could return 'um soon."
Even with the hair pretties I feel like my brain is pushing out through the top of my head. Is it really that bad to encourage your kid toward violent behavior?
"Brian, you need to get your shorts back from that boy. Is he bigger than you?"
"No, smaller. But he said he would give them back."
"When?"
"I don't know."
"So rather than make some kid give you your shorts back, you are allowing your PE grade to suffer, which let me remind you is your favorite class next to math, an easy A for you..."
"Mom, stop yelling at me."
"I am not yelling Brian. I am just different. I would have taken those gym shorts off the girl in my PE class ... and your dad ... well ... we already know he'd be suspended for punching the kid..."
"But I am not you guys."
"I know... which is probably a good thing son... but we need to get you your PE clothes back ... or get you PE clothes..."
"Ok, then dad can come to school."
"Gee thanks everyone, does dad have a say in this?"
"NO!" I shoot that ex-wife/don't-make-me-go-there look at my ex.
"I'm hungry. Talking to you guys is hard cause you don't listen."
"Huh?"
I am thinking it is a good thing that I don't make a living as an attorney or my family would starve to death.
Until next time-
C
http://www.aweekinthelifeofaredhead.com
Been there (still there) done that!
It's amazing how kids talk in incomplete gibberish and still expect you to be able to decipher their language. Luckily, parents grow a kid-speech filter as soon as their first child is born.
Regards
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This is too funny.
I actually understood what Brian was saying from this line: "SIGH, well my lock is gone". But that is probably because I have six kids, four of which are boys,...and my 16 year old went through something similar last year. Except he waited until the teacher called me first. I asked him why he didn't tell me he needed gym clothes and he said he didn't want me to have to spend money on new gym clothes. "It's okay mom, it's only gym, it doesn't even matter." :/ I asked him what happened to the gym clothes from the year before and he said he left them in his locker all summer. Gross. I told him to throw out his fermented clothes (don't bring them home) and we went shopping for new ones. A few weeks later I asked him if he was still dressing for gym everyday and he said no. I asked "why not???" "Oh, we're doing Driver's Ed now".
Raising teenagers is never boring. lol
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THIS is the most hilarious story. Four boys - you deserve a medal.
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(laugh) Laura - your story is so funny that I had to call my ex husband and read it to him - we both laughed as he said, "Did someone clone Brian?"
Mike, I know - I feel like I am always politely trying to decipher what my son is saying. I often say it's just like the scene in finding Nemo when Marlin says to the baby turtle, "Your cute, but I don't understand what you are saying. Say the first part again..."
Thank you both for your great comments ...
and your understanding.
Catherine
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I have heard conversations like that quite a bit from friends talking to their children. If I had tried being that obtuse with my parents, I would have been in a world of hurt. My dad always expected me to "get straight to the point without a lot of bullshit" as he would have said.
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If you know kids and how their brain works, it isn't that they do it on purpose. It's just part of the age, which is what makes it funny. He's a great kid, very kind - a better person than either his father or I. My ex and I are still trying to figure out how we created such a wonderfully kind human being (even as a teen). Our joke about Brian is that when he plays sports he always says, "Excuse me but I am going to take the ball from you now..." Thank God he is 5'6; 150 lbs, siz 11 shoe and a chest like a tank so that he doesn't get picked on for being kind. I think, as parents, we often are so glad when a child is communicating with us on any level, we work with what we can get.
Now my father - he would have been just like yours.
Catherine
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Cath,
Brian is adorable and always has been. When I have a child I want him to be just like Brian. The world has no idea what a great boy you have. I miss you. Where in the f**k are you????
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u make me love my mom
J
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Thanks for the visit and reply to my LinkLove!
You really have a nice and readable blog and I like your open minded, outgoing style - keep up the good work.
Thanks also for your fav at Technorati - I've returned the favour of course!
See you around and welcome over when you need to relax from teenager drama and want to know more about Norway
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Okay, I now need a pretty hair thingy to keep my brains from exploding! Just reading that conversation wore me out and made me extremely thankful that I don't yet have a teenager! Note, I said yet. Mine is 11 and nearing that stage, I'm dreading Jr. High next year!
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Oh Lynne bless your heart ... just you wait. Although... if you can just step bakc, take a breath and relax, the converstaions are hilarious.
Thanks for your comment.. good luck... I am always here if you need me...
Catherine
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I have had conversations like this with my own son. It always makes my head hurt. My daughters have always been pretty straight forward.
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Did you tape record this conversation at my house?
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Oh my god, this was hilarious! With all respect for you teenage son of course
I used to be like that not that long ago I guess... NOW I feel for my parents!
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Lol. Am I glad I have girls, although occasionally we have similar conversations...not about gym clothes, though.
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Great story. My son is only 13 months, but I have a feeling 12 years from now I will be going through the same things.
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Actually, this sounds a lot like a conversation I just had with my 4 1/2 year old where she informed me that she wouldn't have to be so bossy if I would just do what she said. I have a teenage step-daughter. You're right, Cath. Boys are SO much easier. Miss you!!!
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I was just thinking about you today.
World, this is my best friend KB and her daughter has me wrapped around her heart...
Brian made Honor Roll.
We need a girl's night ...no kids... trouble abounding.
Cath
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OMG! I was just talking with Jodi the other night about this picture and our 'garden party'. Let's schedule a girls night. I have some ideas...
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Oh Catherine it doesn't amaze me how you managed to raise such a wonderful kid at all.....it's simply because you are so very,very wonderful yourself.
I just love to come hear and read about yours and Brian's escapades. You always tickle my heart!!
Please when you get time I have something for you.
http://shinade.blogspot.com/2008/01/ultimate.html
Big Big Hugs,
Jackie
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You are always there passing me the awards, love and recognition. You are the best blogging friend a girl can have, which reminds me... I need to get over to your site.
Hugs, Cath
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This is great. At 11, my son isn't quite "there" yet, but the discovery process is already beginning. There should be a podcasts in how to speak adolescent boy. It seems that when girls hit puberty, they talk more, and when boys hit puberty, they talk less!
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Hello old college friend...thanks for the comment and I owe you an email.
I think I am better at reading kids eyes... I'm the kind of parent that can look at a kid and say, "Don't even think about doing what you are thinking!" and the kid looks at me like I am some mind reading witch. But, open their mouths and start some long story and I feel like I need a road map to follow...
Thanks for the comment.
Cath
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Anyone who has ever raised one of these little rug rats recognizes that you have a high proficiency of interpreting Teenageeeze. It would have taken most parents two additional conversations and a couple of bottles of wine to understand what he was saying. The two additional conversations is what it would take to get to the bottom of his story. The two bottles of wine is what it would take to have the two additional conversations. Great Writing Red!
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Nooooo!! I need to hire you because you so get this!
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Catherine, I appreciate this wasn't entertaining in the moment, but thanks for the laugh!
I've found your blog today, after you kindly commented on my blog, and I'm enjoying reading your posts.
So, whatever happened to the boy wearing Brian's shorts?
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Ahhhh the boy did return Brian's shorts, but we have never found the shirt. Currently, Brian is RICARDO RODRIQUEZ ... the name on the PE shirt he wears from Lost-and-Found. Every week, when I wash it, I wonder what kid is enjoying wearing a PE shirt with Brian's full name on the front...
I then ponder what Ricardo's mother is thinking...
And no, I don't want to really know how Ricardo's shirt ended up in the lost and found...
Maybe he as Brian's?
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